An Adaptive Perfectionist in Training (Not a Recovering Perfectionist)

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Embrace imperfection! Accept less than your best effort! Try, but don’t try too hard! Imperfection and embracing mediocrity have become the top tips for reducing stress and loving ourselves in 2025. As a perfectionist, it is a spine-chilling thought that to cultivate happiness and balance, I need to abandon my work-ethic all-together. Is it the truth? Are all perfectionists doomed to a life of relentless stress and anxiety? Lucky for me and all the other diligent, Type-A “try-hards” out there, conscientiousness is important and adaptive as long as we frame it appropriately. 

According to M.H. Hollender (1965), perfectionism is the “practice in which one demands a certain level of performance, cannot accept or be content with anything short of perfection and strives to perform in a manner that is perfect,” (Kawamoto et al., 2023, p.1). Prominent characteristics include “the desire to be flawless, extremely high standards and hypercritical performance concerns,” (Kawamoto et al., 2023, p.1). It is included in the DSM-V as a type of obsessive-compulsive personality disorder “characterized by the rigid insistence that everything be perfect, without errors or mistakes, both in terms of oneself, as well as regarding the actions of those around us,”(Bawler, 2022, p.3). The average occurrence of perfectionism is also on the rise and has shot up “thirty three percent since 1989,” (Santos, 2024, 9:50). Doctor Andrew Hill believes that this is because we live in a perfectionistic climate fed by “capitalism, consumerism, advertising and social media,” (Santos, 2025, 5:56). According to all of this information, perfectionism seems to be maladaptive and a practice or set of characteristics to be avoided. 

Within recent years, perfectionism has been reconceptualized as both a three-pronged and two-pronged phenomenon. Thomas Current, associate professor at the London School of Economics describes the three-pronged conceptualization of perfectionism as self-oriented, other-oriented and socially prescribed (Santos, 2024). Self-oriented perfectionists set “high standards that we impose on ourselves,” (Santos, 2024, 5:17). In the best scenario, self-oriented perfectionists take pride in their work and are committed to continuous improvement while in the worst scenario they are their harshest critics leading to stress and anxiety according to psychologists Hewitt and Flett (Kesner, 2024). Other-oriented perfectionists “hold other people to the same insanely high standards that they expect of themselves,” (Santos, 2024, 5:17). In the best scenario, other-oriented perfectionists are healthy leaders and motivators that foster growth while in the worst scenario, they can be demanding, critical and controlling (Kesner, 2024). Finally and possibly most insidiously, socially prescribed perfectionists “assume other people expect them to be perfect,” (Santos, 2024, 5:59). In the best scenario, socially prescribed perfectionists feel energized by those around them, are approachable and are adaptive while in the worst scenario they are prone to working late and burnout (Kesner, 2024).

Dr. Ellen Hendrickson, a clinical psychologist at Boston University’s Center for Anxiety and Related Disorders describes the two-pronged conceptualization of perfectionism as adaptive (healthy) and maladaptive (unhealthy) perfectionism (Santos, 2025). Maladaptive perfectionism is similar to what most of us think of conventionally as perfectionism. Maladaptive perfectionists fall into “over evaluation which is when we conflate ourselves and our performance,” (Santos, 2025, 3:58). Maladaptive perfectionists “report greater levels of self-criticism, anxiety and stress, and lower levels of life satisfaction, ”(Kawamoto et al., 2023, p.2). They “engage in hypercritical performance evaluation which is tied to their self-worth,” (Kawamoto et al., 2023, p.2). Maladaptive perfectionism “manifests itself as a compulsion to achieve an unrealistic level of perfection,” which is linked to “eating disorders and insomnia,” (Bawler, 2022, p.3). Research shows that maladaptive perfectionists are not striving for perfection but “instead are just avoiding not being good enough,” (Bawler, 2022, p.3). 

Adaptive perfectionism “is when we strive for excellence, we do the work for the work’s sake and we keep our high standards,” (Santos, 2025, 7:54). Adaptive perfectionists are not disappointed if sometimes things don’t work out perfectly (Bawler, 2022, p.2). It involves being persistent in the face of obstacles, goal-oriented behavior, conscientiousness, and strong organizational skills (Bawler, 2022). Conscientiousness as a personality trait is “the biggest predictor for a good life,” meaning it predicts “objective success like income, subjective success like life satisfaction, and happiness,” (Santos, 2025, 3:58). Adaptive perfectionists report “lower proneness to shame,” “presence of meaning in life,” and “self-esteem,” (Kawamoto et al., 2023, p.2). Adaptive perfectionists are comfortable with a little failure because “failure results in knowledge, and knowledge equals power,” (Kesner, 2024, p.1).

There are steps to establishing adaptive perfectionism and fighting maladaptive perfectionist traits. The first and most important step is showing ourselves self-compassion by “examining our harsh inner monologue,” (Santos, 2025, 14:27). Self-compassion is “a kind attitude towards oneself in the face of suffering,” (Kawamoto et al., 2023, p.3). It involves having an achievement oriented mindset or “framing your goals or setbacks with success in mind,” (Tesema, 2021, p.1). Keeping a gratitude journal for yourself or “taking time to see your strengths on a daily basis,” can help shine light on all your achievements (Tesema, 2021, p.2). Treating yourself like a friend or “giving yourself permission to treat yourself like you would others,” leads to an overall “boost in happiness and health,” (Tesema, 2021, p.2). This can be as simple as repeating a kind phrase, giving ourselves extra time for things that fill our cup or giving ourselves permission to not do all that we expect of ourselves (Santos, 2025). 

Cognitive diffusion comes from ACT therapy and was developed by Doctor Steve Hayes (Santos, 2025). It helps us to put some space between us and our thoughts without needing to eliminate the thought altogether (Santos, 2025). It can consist of finding the humor in our thoughts or attending to them like you would attend to music at a coffee shop, with acceptance but without full attention (Santos, 2025). According to Leary et al (2007) and Neff et al.(2005), self compassionate individuals “are better able to regulate negative emotions by showing accurate self-appraisals without engaging in critical self-judgements or rumination,” and “report greater motivation to improve themselves,” (Kawamoto et al., 2023, p.3). Self compassion is also “positively correlated with emotional intelligence, self-esteem, self-determination, competence and autonomy,” (Kawamoto et al., 2023, p.3). 

Another important tip for building adaptive perfectionist tendencies is to overcome over evaluation. Dr. Ellen Hendrickson describes that perfectionists tend to “orient towards rules,” because “uncertainty drives anxiety,” and “rules reduce uncertainty,” (Santos, 2025, 22:25). We then conflate that “if we are doing things correctly, therefore we are correct,” (Santos, 2025, 22:25). Instead of following ridgid rules, we can reframe our thinking to make decisions based on our values which are continuous, intrinsically meaningful and freely chosen (Santos, 2025). For example, instead of going to the gym because we have set the rule that we must exercise five days each week, we can decide to go to the gym because health and longevity are valuable to us. Or we might decide not to go to the gym on a particular day because we are burnt out and rest is more in-line with our values of health and longevity. 

A third important tip for building adaptive perfectionist tendencies is to redefine failure. While it is important to always try our best and set high standards, we must “always be realistic, objective and at peace with the idea of a possible failure,” (Bawler, 2022, p.1). If we “define failure as not meeting expectations,” “it means we’re never allowed to not meet our very high, personally demanding, often unrealistic expectations,” (Santos, 2025, 35:38). Additionally, it is helpful to “ask ourselves what a satisfactory result would look like for each task,” (Kesner, 2024, p.2). This means that if our current approach or goal is not working, instead of doubling down, we can try something different. Finally, being open about our successes and failures can bring us closer to others by establishing trust and ending the coach, mentee relationship (Santos, 2025). 

Fourth, we can work on reducing the “killjoy” aspect of perfectionistic approaches. Demand sensitivity is “a heightened sensitivity to perceived requests or demands,” which leads to demand resistance (Santos, 2025, 30:50). Demand resistance is “when we feel so overloaded with tasks or shoulds that we start to procrastinate” “even if it’s something we initially wanted to do,” (Santos, 2025, 30:50). One way that we can reduce demand resistance is by turning towards our values and remembering that there’s a reason we are doing something (Santos, 2025). For example, instead of thinking of all of the work and stress of hosting a party, we can remember the fun of having friends over for dinner. Instead of stressing over the menu, the decorations, the activities etc., we can remind ourselves that when we go to a dinner party we are much more interested in the company than the offerings. Finally, we can dare to be unproductive and turn towards what looks interesting (Santos, 2025). By “tuning in to what we enjoy,” and “what looks fun or cool or interesting,” we are allowing ourselves to turn towards joy “rather than slog through another should,” (Santos, 2025, 34:14). 

Finally, it is important for perfectionists to remember that “when it comes to fighting maladaptive perfectionism, baby steps are the way to go,” (Santos, 2025, 38:54). This can be making one decision a day that is in line with our values or showing self-compassion once each day when we find ourselves being self-critical. This can also be accepting our best effort on a project begrudgingly rather than continuing to push past our physical and emotional limits. According to William Durant, “we are what we do repeatedly,” so “excellence is not an action, but a habit,” (Bawler, 2022, p.3).

References

Bawler, K. (2022). What is adaptive perfectionism and why can it be a good thing. Humans. https://vocal.media/humans/what-is-adaptive-perfectionism-and-why-can-it-be-a-good-thing 

Kawamoto, A., Sheth, R., Yang, M., Demps, L. & Sevig, T. (2023). The role of self-compassion among adaptive and maladaptive perfectionists in university students. The Counseling Psychologists, 5(1), 113-144. DOI: 10.1177/00110000221129606

Kesner, R. (2024). How to perfect being a perfectionist. MindLabPro. https://www.mindlabpro.com/blogs/nootropics/how-to-perfect-being-a-perfectionist?srsltid=AfmBOorfrx4YhStRR9__i-sMWY11E-RlcRBASxX-39Zue7x1AHOAYbtn

Santos, L. (Host). (June, 2024 3). How to Fight Perfectionism [Audio podcast episode]. In The Happiness Lab. Pushkin. https://omny.fm/shows/the-happiness-lab-with-dr-laurie-santos/how-to-fight-perfectionism

Santos, L. (Host). (January, 2025 5). Feel Like You’re Enough [Audio podcast episode]. In The Happiness Lab. Pushkin. https://omny.fm/shows/the-happiness-lab-with-dr-laurie-santos/feel-like-youre-enough 

Tesema, M. (2021). How to make perfectionism work for - not against- you. Shine. https://advice.theshineapp.com/articles/how-to-make-perfectionism-work-for-not-against-you/